love in eccentricity

the best end

2009-09-25T06:28:00.000-07:00

Jenny,

after 3 months having him in HK, at last he told me the truth. he didnt want to be with me, but without money, he had to stay with me for money. I feel so cheap, but I feel lucky to have the truth before it's too late.
girls, shouts, slaps and a future without hope, for this end, I should celebrate for myself. babe.

he only knows how to put the blame on me and ask for money, so why should you be regret for his leaving?! remember, tarot reading says that You are embracing a beautiful future. with him, you will have dead end only, so dont overlook this hint for life.

jen

Good news and bad news

2009-06-20T16:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Tmr will be the day that Peppe arriving in HK. I heard of a bad news about his gambling last night. I was too busy to reflect on the issue, I rushed to invite him to come whatsoever.

I doubted about my good intention will in fact hurting everyone. What is he going to do here in HK? Will it be even worse if he comes here & without any work? Is that the evnironment here can helo him to change? I wonder.

I am tired of these and don't want to speculate. All I want to do is to live a better life, no matter whom I will be staying with. This is my life, no one should ruin it.

Love, Jenny

Change in life

2009-06-13T21:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

What are you doing? Leaving your family for a man who doesn't love you or neither is he willing to take up the responsibility to you?

Jenny, you know this time you are leaving home not for anyone, just for a change in life, things might get better, so don't put the burden on him. Let him go, you are not for him, believe me. No matter how much you love him, it won't change anything. Nothing will be changed.

For your parents, you might get along better with them after this away. Don't worry, things are going to be fine.

Love, Jen

He doesn't love you

2009-06-13T19:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

You know what?! It's so ironic that until the very last minute, Peppe is not coming. How should I think?

He doesn't love you much, Jenny. He can keep blaming and picking on you for something unimportant. But obviously, it's important to him. Perhaps, he doesn't understand, or I don't understand. It's just so close that we can get together, but nevermind, he will be happier without me. I can never satisfy him. I'm just to careless or clumsy.

I just being foolish to think that we can make it. Not deeply in his mind has the intention to stay for life with me, Jenny, you have to understand.

It's just too unfair that he can move away without any burden while everything dropped on you. Don't worry, you will grow, jenny. He teaches you a lot as usual, life is not easy, it's full of uncertainty. Even the most certain one turns out to be unsecured. Don't think too much, it'll just hurt yourself.

Love, Jen

Don't expect too much

2009-06-10T18:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Peppe told me some days before that he is likely to get the painting job, it really boosts our morale much up. However, he didn't hear from her anymore which implies that it's not likely to happen for him to bring money to HK.

Money will be a bonus to our life at the beginning because it might avoid quarrel on trivial issues between us. I still remember that when we were in Italy, he was determining to change and do everything but going back to London just defeated all his goal. He was not motivated to do whatsoever necessary.

This time, I had high expectation on him to change and share life with me, however, I realised that having expectation is a wrong move since it will only burden myself with all the uncertainty and disappoint myself as I was in London if things don't go as expected. With this man, I have to be the pillar of finance and be patient. I must remember, otherwise things will only be worse.

I try to preach him about the time and goal management because I am bothered a bit by his sluggishness to react fot his own life. The painting job is not for granted but he should find out if he will be getting this job or not in order to plan on his next move.

Jenny, remember, you have to be strong before he becomes strong.

Love, Jenny

What do you think?

2009-06-09T06:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Haven't talked here for some times, what brings me back? I want to share, that's it.

Iris, my boss, she has been very helpful for my situation. However, I don't want to take it like granted. I feel ashamed of myself being so useless. I know it's just for the moment but I am not proud of this.

I am shy in receiving others; help because I don't know how to say thanks, neither I know how to put a halt on it. Her words made me reflect on myself so intensively. I don't want to take advantage of others, neither I want to take things for granted. Being dependable on others is just horrible. I hate that, it cripples me, my growth. I don;t want that happening to me ever.

For another day, I can't talk to Peppe. It's getting closer to the date he comes, I am more nervous than ever. I am thinking everyday if we can make it.

Love, Jen

Silly

2009-06-04T07:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I'm being crushed. The Police turned up for a dispute between my mum and I. I didn't know what I'm doing. I'm so tired, very tired.

I did something very stupid which scared my parents off, I'm sorry that I didn't mean to do that.

I'm exhausted.

cheers,
jen

Bon chance

2009-05-26T15:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

2 days after our fight, we didn't talked yet. I can't help askin gin my heart that if he would gamble the money with the excuse of our quarrel?

I've grown a bit more this time because I'm more prepared to lose him or take care of him from now on. Jen, you have to know that what you have to do to stay with him, do you really want, if so, you have to sacrifice as much as you can, means that you have to do everything for him. People tends to ask if he is a man worths you doing so, but just do it, don't ask too much questions. If things work, then congraluations, otherwise, wish him all the best in life.

Do we have common topic in life? Or is it important to have a family for life?
In this relation, I have to guess for almost everything, I don't have sufficient channel to communicate with him, do I? I don't know his feeling for the moment, neither does he know mine. Why do we still want to stay together? Sometimes, I am afraid of his reason to come is just escape from his family. I'm not sure if he comes for me, I bet he makes it clear that he comes for himself, his change first. If I want to help him, please stop making noise.

He checked his email and he is online, let's guess if he has done his passport, my heart if jumping too fast, seems that I can die in any minute.

Love, Jen

Shut Up, I have to

2009-05-24T05:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

We have talk for a while, I started to speak endless. He interrupted me and shouted that this is not the way I should have been. I shouldn't speak so much in the area that he had no clue, he is not at that level of education. He doesn;t concern a bit of my job. He only concerns with the concrete thing that works. However, I am not a magician, I don't know what works before it happens.

I slowly accept the fact that I am walking alone on the path. All he needs is smile and laugh in his life, I want the same but it seems that I have to put up all the shits for the moment. Do you really want this life?

He doesn;t care about what you're doing, only you have to report him what he wants to know. Do you have sharing? Have you heard that if he has to do business like the way I do, he rather to work in a little job. What do you think his purpose to come to Hong Kong? I don't know.

Money flows from me only.

Love, Jen

Help please

2009-05-23T17:00:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

I'm confused. I don't have money and neither do I want to ask my friends anymore, I wrote to him suggesting him to ask his sister. He replied with another attitude, we were calm both after so many fights, I am exhausted.

It's not about the money but the issue radiates so many troubles for me, I argued with my parents, I asked money from my friends, haven't paid none of them so far, and living alone. I am very tired, in fact I am not that strong, not at all...

Who can help me? I want to have my own family but why is it so difficult and I just hope he will share a bit the burden with me. isn't it too much I've asked. Even crying, I have to hide myself from him, why? How long can I go on by myself in this relationship? Am I asking too much?

Love, Jen

Lost control

2009-05-19T23:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I think there is something wrong with me, my emotion fluctuates so much these days, I cry everyday almost. I couldn't stand to see Peppe failing his promise. I just start to say things on email. Is it my fault or he should share the responsibility as well since he failed his promise. I'm not right to shout to him in that way. But I lost my temper where I couldn't help.

Trivial

2009-05-19T15:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

What will you do when you're failed for so many promise however trivial? Will you just be disappointed and let go the subject?

I'm getting back my concentration slowly however when I was home, I can't avoid thinking of him to call and talk to me. This drives me away from home in order to suffer less.

I'm thinking of business for us, if not for him, I don't think I have the urge to do this step since I devote myself into debate teaching.

Stop thinking of him, he is with another girl or girls.

Love, Jen

Why

2009-05-18T05:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I am so tired, so tired, so tired, I am only working alone. I don't know what I am working for and where I am heading to, can anyone show me the direction? Why I have to feel frustrated and helpless every night, why am I left alone every day? I am to work hard but is there anyone to support me. What is my reason to go on, silly stupid girl.

I want to die ifn there is a painless way.

Love, Jen

Depression

2009-05-16T17:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

How are you? I'm fine, thanks.

He tried to find excuse again by checking your email. This time an easier one, just to say that he couldn't login your gmail and you are guilty without any more evidence needed. Soon, my existence will be the source of guilt.

How can he change his mood in a second for little things? He is still living with his irrational beliefs as the counsellor said, he isn't determined to change, but willing to say only. It's difficult for him but he couldn't realise it by himself, so what can I do?

I know in particular time, he will feel depressed and he would find some excuse to release his depression by shouting at me perhaps. I'm largely affected by him, I can't concentrate on my work but depressed by him as well.

As you can see, he didn't want to change at least on his emotional aspects since he keeps his right to get mad for whatever I haven't listened or anything isn't done exactly as he has expected. That's why he enjoys to be with his friends so much because he doesn't have to mind anything, he naively thinks that they're all honest as to everything, it's just because they don't have conflict among themselves, so it's just easy hanging around. He couldn't mind if his friends share the deepest thing with him or not, perhaps he does.

He said everyday, I give him an excuse to get mad. To me, I think, everyday, he affects my quality of the day, I lose focus on work. He can't understand sometimes, things in life are not totally controllable, if a gmail isn't login, doesn't mean that I have changed the password, maybe he typed it wrong or it's the problem with connection. But in his eyes, the fault is always on my head. What can I do?

Love, Jen

Genova

2009-05-14T14:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

He had enjoyed a lot in Genova. He gambled the money for passport and he didn't help with business contact. For everything he failed, how do you feel, Jenny?

I feel I have wasted all my money and time to this relationship because for him having short pleasure is more important, smoking, gambling and not doing things. He is a good person but his addictions are too grave for him to change without help, even worse is he doesn't accept the other's help. He has to do things in his own way even if everyone can see it's wrong.

Jenny, you don't have to be guilty because he gave you up even if you have put so much effort. Also, even if you are fighting with your parents, being kicked out of home for him, he wouldn't feel anything. What else can you feel other than heartbreaking? How many times you heart can be broken? It's time to step forward by yourself or with someone who loves you.

Love, Jen

Difficulties

2009-05-13T20:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I have watched a series of video which shares the story of different celebrities in Hong Kong, they are very sentimental.

Different people has different stories and difficulties in life, no one could avoid. How should we face the obstacles when they confront us? Escaping or dodging from the problems would be the 'easiest' way but it is not a solution and the problem will just linger until the day I die. So, the pain brought by the problem would accompany me for life to torture me as well. To confront it perhaps is the most uncomfortable step to take since I have to leave my comfort zone to work hard on the problem, why should I put myself uneased? If the confrontation is a solution, then the pain will be going once and for all, isn't it smarter to confront the problem before it grows too big?

Life is fair, the more pain you have, the more you gain. Sometimes, we can't be too calculating, no matter in love or in at work, we have to give before we are entitled to take.

Jenny, I don't know if Peppe will stay with you for life, what I can see if you love him but don't push him to do anything. If he loves you, he will work hard by himself, otherwise do you think he worths to be with you? You have given a lot to this relation in different ways, so does he, so let God to decide now if he can hear God and change his life. Don't calculate how much more you have given to him without him returning to you, he will understand and will be suffered in his soul for not contributing.

Let him a peace of mind and free yourself as well. Be happy.

Love, Jen

Stupid girl

2009-05-13T18:18:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

Jenny, after 2 days, he didn't call, neither did he sleep home, do you think he still care about you? Why are you still thinking of him, such a stupid girl.

Do you still remember when he flirted with Zara, he turned off his mobile and he didn't want to talk with you on the phone when you could reach him. It was just the same as he was in circulo. Even if you were crying, he didn't give a damn to you. Jenny, I know you still love him so much, but you have to wake up. He doesn't love you as you think. He doesn't care about you. Even if you are kicked out by your parents, he wouldn't even concern.

Now, you realise the truth, and you understand what relationship you want, it's time to leave everything. This time since you lost all the money to him, you can't just buy a ticket and go because you still owed your parents money. To be responsible, you shouldn't go anywhere before you clear the debt. But in my mind, I am pretty clear where I will be going, I have chosen a place to stay for life. I thought once I would live happily in Hong Kong with Peppe to build a wonderful family, but it's not coming true. Jen, how long do you need to recover this time?

From now on, you devote yourself to work and work and work, it would be much easier to forget your pain. It's a good chance for you to become one of the core member of business committee for the HK labor department, you would make a lot of business contact and earn a lot of experience. Put down the old story, start your life.

Love, Jen

Italy

2009-05-12T20:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

What kind of life you desire? What do you want in life?

I want happiness in life, the pure and simple joy.

http://video.google.com/videosearch?q=%E5%90%91%E4%B8%96%E7%95%8C%E5%87%BA%E7%99%BC1&emb=0&aq=3&oq=%E5%90%91%E4%B8%96%E7%95%8C%E5%87%BA%E7%99%BC#q=%E5%90%91%E4%B8%96%E7%95%8C%E5%87%BA%E5%8F%91I+%E8%83%A1%E6%9D%8F%E5%84%BF+%E6%84%8F%E5%A4%A7%E5%88%A9&emb=0

This is the life I desire. I want to leave this city, bustle and hustle, taking away the simplicity of life. I rather to work very hard to gain a basic living instead of besalving by money and material.

Let me fly away.

Love, Jen

Against

2009-05-12T15:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I thought you will be strong this time not to call him but you surrended. But what can you get in return, another lie.

He said he would talk to you on skype midnight but he didn't even answer his mobile, in fact he doesn't care about you.

Everything is against you...
Stop thinking of him before you get hurt again and again!

Jenny, you know that he is a good person, you know that but things do not as expected. Put down your burden, dear.

Love, Jen

Lucky, Jason Mraz

2009-05-11T16:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Don't cry, you'll be fine. Why is it so difficult to find someone to listen to me? Maybe I feel so uneasy to talk unless I'm sure the place is safe to talk and share. Is that a wall in front of me? Why can't you be gentle and break down the wall for me, why you can only shout and scold me for that? Why can't you be patient and love me tender?

Love, Jen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9iraoHE6JlY

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard
I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Oooohhhhoohhhhohhooohhooohhooohoooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will
I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday
And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music, fell the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now
I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Helpless

2009-05-11T15:12:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

Do you know what will people feel when they feel helpless? Suddenly, I feel everything in this world is just a scam. It's so difficult to face alone, maybe that's why we have to find our partners.

I lost the relation with Peppe, I lost the love from my parents, and I lost the faith in life. Can it be worse that now? For the first time, I lost my motivation in life and I found death is an alternative. Pyschology says in a book: depressed people in fact see more reality than the 'normal' people. Am I in one of those case?

Since the moment I woke up, I was thinking the painless way to die, not only painless to me, more importantly, painless to my parents and family. It's not easy at all to face the reality especially when the reality didn't pity me being naive for all my life.

After living a year with Peppe, side by side or distant like now, I lost my ability to live alone anymore. No matter what I do, I was hoping to have him standby to support me. I felt exceptionally enthusiastic to work extra time when thinking of him coming to HK, but now, it'll never happen. In a day, I lost my belief in life, I feel so tired to stand alone in this world. Other than lonely, I can't think of another word to describe and I feel helpless.

No one on earth understands me, I want to escape to a place no one will know me, no one will bother me. Can I just live simply for my life? I don't want any trouble. I don't even enjoy this life.

calm down, Jenny, things will be fine.

Love, Jen

Sharing

2009-05-10T22:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Jen, do you know how is love? Even if I decide to stop loving Peppe, I am still thinking of him for his good. It's silly.

I watched a movie: Five people you meet in the heaven which teaches about death, sacrifice, forgiving others, lost love and forgiving oneself.

Mitch Albom is one of the inspiring author I have known. Another book: Tuesday with Morrie which teaches love, marriage, life and death.

Whenever I read some good book or story, I have the urge to share with Peppe, but he was never interested. Don't you feel alone, Jenny? Perhaps, I shouldn't because he doesn't want to share with me. Or simply, he thinks that I want to teach him through the books or movies, I don't want to with a saint or a preacher, not even a teacher to him, but why can't we just share our feeling? I feel lonely.

Love, Jen

Exhausted

2009-05-10T19:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

What will you do Jenny when you feel too tired for relationship? Now, you have to choose your family or Peppe, obviously your choice of Peppe doesn't exist anymore, but how about your family? You hurt your father so deeply because you stayed with a man who is irresponsible in their eyes. Don't you think this is a cost too much to love? He doesn't love you as you think, Jenny and you gave up your parents for nothing, not even a return of love.

I'm tired of this, I don't want neither of them, it's tension everywhere. I don't understand why they have to oppose our love, even if it's trap for me, even if Peppe is cheating me for money, can't I choose for myself, can't I wake up by myself. Deeply, I am just like Peppe, I won't go for the right path if it's told my someone. I don't want to give up my parents but I couldn't stand this control by them. I'm so tired of this situation.

Where am I going to move? I love my parenst but I want to move out to avoid tension. I want to stand on my own feet, live by myself. In fact, I am not grown enough to face the problem in life. Only tears I can shed, what else I can do? I don't want my own family, neither a new family. I don't want anything, I just want some peace in my mind. I want to be free.

Love, Jen

Wake up

2009-05-10T18:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was Mother's Day. I didn't do what I supposed to do for my mother. Instead, we had a fight which led to higher tension in the house.

My parents seemed to seek reconciliation with me, so they asked me for a talk. They demanded for my plan in the near future, they wanted to know what I would do with Peppe. Although I was determined to leave him, I acted resistantly to my parents out of rebellion. I understood their concern was not about the money, they were deeply convinced that Peppe was a conman who cheated my money for his own pleasure. I couldn't defend him anymore unless with silence. My mum interrogated me about the 120 euro, which left me wordless. At the end, my dad was so mad and demanded me to leave this house if I not waking up for this fraud.

In their eyes, I was just stupid, indeed, I am. Nobody understands why I stay with Peppe. Neither do I know the reason. For so long, he claimed that he wanted to change but everytime he would have excuse to jeopardise his own determination. More importantly, everytime was my fault instead of his failure. This is the time to wake up to look clearly what is going on between us. I was just manipulated by him. Whenever he wanted money, I had to give him but why? Is it just because money is not important in our relation, our love is more important than material, but why I am the only giver in this relationship? What had he ever contributed to his mind to change? Sometimes, I am confused as to his reason to come to HK, perhaps, he loves HK, not me, I am just a stepping stone for him to come and look for better opportunity.

As a woman, I don't mind to work for two, I don't mind to wait for long time before settling with a man full of problems, what else should I do to show this man that I love him and take him wholeheartedly? He is selfish, he can destroy everything in a second just for his anger and own pleasure, meanwhile I had to be the one lifting up all the faults and doing all the repairment. What kind of relation is it? Did he ever care about me or he just took me as something he can use? Not for once, he said if not he taking me as his wife, he wouldn't ask me to do so many things, indeed I agree with this and I wouldn't mind to do everything for him. However, I am not taken care of emotionally and I was the one doing everything. Not even his own duty he had completed or fulfilled. But on the other hand, he keeps demanding me to do this and that. If I have to give all in this relation, I would expect to receive a reason portion of attention and care but only shouts and anger I had received, what did I receive? His love comes once in a while if he feels cool, but in his bad mood, I would be the one suffer the most.

I knew all of these but I chose to stay with him. I didn't mind to get all this shouts if there would be an end. I naively thought that the day he comes to HK would be the day of change, however for so many occasions he had the money, he didn't do his passport, instead he made excuses to gamble or waste the money for his chance to change. He doesn't care, so how can I care for him? I can't care for his forever, and neither can I stay with a man who doesn't care about himself. No one can. Everyone has to live for their own life first, I have been trying to help him out with different things but he didn't take them seriously until now, his indifference put me in a great tension with my parents. He doesn't care still, how can I blame him? If blaming him can solve the problem, I will go on blaming him, but the reality isn't like this. I have to work on myself to restore my relationship with my parents. By the same token, he has to restore his own life from his addictions by himself, I can't force him. No one can. But at least, now I can see one thing, he is not so determined to come to HK, neither to change, otherwise by now, he would have a passport at least. Think, Jenny, when he asked you to send 120 euro, he was almost shouting at you to put him the money, this is a sympton for compulsive gambler when they need money for their own purpose. But did he do his passport immediately when he got his money? Why should he urge you so much to put the money while he was so indifferent about doing his passport, Jenny, can you see the real drive to this? Wake up, Jenny, you are not helping him, he has to work on himself. Don't you think that he has to stand on his own feet before becoming your man? Don't you feel fed up by his insulting remarks? Don't you feel tired to live on his failing promise? He is just too good to speak but where is his action? Jenny, I know money is not a concern for your value but this is not a matter of money neither. It is about his determination to change, do you remember you said once in London, 'if losing all money will wake him up, you wouldn't mind to give up all the money?' You did lose all the money for him, right? But how about now? Did he stop and did he change? Jenny, you are living in your own dream and hoping for him to recover but does he want to? You never know, Jenny. Don't ask and don't question because the value of word is nothing at this point, the action is the real gold.

Also, Jenny, how do you feel when he called you bitch and prostitute? Don't you feel hurt? How on earth can a boyfriend or a man who loves you insult you like this, he took away your dignity but you just stupidly finding excuse for him. You didn't help him in anyway because he has to learn how to respect his girl, however wrong you are, he has to respect you. He interrogates you like you have committed adultery but you didn't even go out with friends. He took away all your freedom just because of a chat with friend and keeping my past for my own privacy. But he just goes around to his friends staying overnight without caring about your feelings, so emotionally he abandoned your and mentally he tortured you, so do you really believd that he loves you and will treat you well when you get married? I am getting scared in reviewing our love because the future is just a repition of our time in London. More frightening is I am living in my dream to see him changed, but when friends around me asked has he changed or did he do anything to change, I started to make excuse for him again, then when they asked me what if he doesn't change, I was left with no words. It seems that to me seeing him change is the only result, so positively I haven't given a single thought to the possibility that he couldn't change. I always believe that we should give chance to people who want to change because one chance can make a subtle change to a life. But where is the end, when should we withdraw our offer? If he is abusing my kindness and taking me as a stupid, should I just take back my offer to help?

People said love makes one grow, I've grown a lot but why can't Peppe grow from our love? Perhaps he grew as well, only he knew it. From this year, I've learnt so much about myself, I've become much braver and understand more what I want in my love. Love is passion, intimacy and commitment, where I want a family with a loving and caring husband together with a couple of kids living simply in this world. I couldn't believe that I can give up all my friends and family to fully devote to my husband but looking at my mum, she did the same and looking at my stay in London with Peppe, I in fact enjoy a housewife life, but one thing I realise in a relation, I can't be the only giver, I have to receive from my husband as well otherwise I would feel frustrated like now.

Love is too important in my life but being love is equally important that I should contribute to a love relationship only if the partner loves me at the same time. Jenny, learn how to understand what is love and what is beloved.

Love, Jenny

Suicide

2009-05-10T06:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

We argued again and he threatened me that he took pills to kill himself. I was driven crazy by this. He is crazy.

I didn't know how to deal with him anymore. I am in trouble too. I had a real big fight with my parents, I'm out of this family since I didn't explain clearly what I would do with Peppe. My dear parents, how can I explain to you if for myself not clear about what I would do with this man. We have been fighting everyday, no matter what I do to him, it won't be good enough.

I'm tired because my fault would be on the spotlight and I would be rebuked by him every single say if we talked, otherwise he would be ahving fun with his friends around, not even thinking of his own duty. So, does anyone believe that he would like to change his life? Only I will believe, what a stupid girl I am.

Where are you going to move? This is the first time you lost your home, so what are you going to do? Forget about him, because he doesn't pity you, he only thinks that you deserve it without thinking of his part to this fault.

Love, Jen

Ruthless Truth

2009-05-08T12:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I feel so stupid in this relation. After he got the money from me, he disappeared. i have nothing else to say because this is all about cheating and money. What an idiot I am for so long.

This is how we end, with 120 euro I paid to end with a lie to do his passport.

Love, Jen

Hurdle

2009-05-06T16:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Our love is attested by everything, when I thought that we would see each other soon, my parents drew their support to us.

I understand their frustration and worry because in their eyes, peppe is living at my expense but they didn't know what kind of hardship he has been through. While this is a reason I couldn't give to ease their worry.

How am I going to have the money?

I can understand it's not easy to have a family especially with a man like this. We lost the trust from my parents. Until now, I really want to help him because I believe that this is the chance for him to change his life.

I don't know what to do.
Perhaps, he should come and we get married, then we can leave.

Can anyone give me some direction.

Love, Jen

Abating Impulse

2009-05-04T15:59:00.000-07:00

Dea Diary,

I felt my impulse to call was becoming less which is a good phenomenon.

I gave a final declaration to him and I supposed he listened to it. This time is a bit different from the other times. I didn't want to restore our relationship because I understand it will be long lasting struggle only. My rationality told me this, but my sentiment was getting sour which made me so uncomfortable.

One thing, I am quite curious is that I didn't feel so angry when I pictured they stayed in the hotel having sex. Am I forgiving him or in fact I didn't mind so much. But I believe that the main reason is I don't feel anything to do with this guy. Otherwise, for another time, he would use excuse to hurt me again.

Enjoy your life, jenny.

Love, Jen

Our destiny

2009-05-03T18:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

No matter how hard I tried, there is no way for us to stay together. We broke up at last for a stupid contact.

I didn't want to let go but we both feel exhausted...

I knew that the Italian on facebook would stir his anger but I didn't realise and delete his profile, so the God let us attested again. Maybe, God wants us to realise that we are at poles to stay for a happy and peaceful life. I felt more faitgue that the urge to talk to him.

At the end, he told me he had sex with Elisa in a hotel in Milan and her house which left me with no chance to do anything with him. I sent her an email telling her that I knew her cheating with my boyfriend. But I didn't know what to say despite my anger, I just wish her happy with him. This really hurts me too much.

Love, Jen

Understanding the childhood

2009-05-03T07:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

This is a special night because we have never talked like this.

He spoke with all honesty and spirituality. He is a person full of contradictions, the most typical italian and the completely the opposite. I am so glad to hear his confession.

He has been given the fault since he was small, with a father full of misdeeds and a mother obessed with complaints, his childhood was not easy. I believe parenting is the foundation for personal growth, so in fact it seems that he missed the best chance to finish the school as a good kid. I don't know if it's his excuse, but I believe that the parenting he received from his childhood was defective. He wasn't taught to love and care, he wasn't taught to be a positive and well-behaved person since no actual reward for his good deed. Not matter what he does, it's a fault.

I can't summarize as good as he had presented to me, but I fully understand him, only one thing in doubt which was his determination to change since he seems saying that he feels cool through committing wrong in life. He couldn't resist a spliff after a shower looking in the mirror and found a beautiful man there. It seems like there was something there.

He doesn't like people checking him because he was being checked since the first minute he understood things in the world. He wasn't treated properly, perhaps a bit resembling my childhood, neither had I recieved proper way of love. Fortunately, I am grown up in a straight way which keeps myself safe.

I felt the strength of him to make change.
Love, Jen

My first love--Peppe

2009-05-03T03:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I haven't talked to him for 2 days, we only contacted briefly.

I called him just now, he was driving to his sister with his parents. Perhaps, it's a Sunday party.

I went to work in Science Park and I told them about the idea of writing a manuscript together. I have talked about my boyfriend. For every time I mentioned him, I felt a taste of sweetness even though we were going through difficult time.

Somehow, I am very interested in discussing the issue of love. Perhaps, it's a compensation for my innocent and naive young age, I wasted my first love in unromantic relationship. It seems that this love with Peppe is my first love.

Love, Jen

Resolution

2009-05-01T17:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I haven't talked to him for 2 days which put me unsettling. I know I'm obessed of him but it's abating the feeling.

Yesterday, I was searching for some useful information for his problem. I went to the 12 steps.org, which gives a lot of workshops derive from Alcoholic Anonymous. Unexpectedly, I found so many addictions he has on the list, I was almost scared as to which has to get done first on his list. I'm not sure if he's ready to change because his behaviour doesn't coorespond to the conviction.

I didn't have the chance yet to communicate with but I really hope that through our meeting, we can clarify some important stance between us. At the end, I would see him well again.

It's daunting for his long list of addictions. But luckily, everything has a solution if he is determined. Remember Jenny, this is his life, if he doesn't want to change or not determined, there is no way you can help. The only thing so far you can offer is your patience to walk him through the path with tranquility. Distance yourself from him, don't get too emotional for whatever he does.

Helping him to recover is your goal. I always remember he took me like an angel as the first place. Although, he took my past as evil, but I wish my help to him at my present and future will change his belief on me into an angel again.

Love, Jen

Surrender

2009-04-30T14:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

He is not home. Am I worried where he is for the moment, not really but I want to talk to him.

Yesterday, I surrended my freedom to him, I gave up my friends in order to be with him. I don't know if he would accept, but I'm quite sure before his acceptance, there will be a long struggling interrogation.

I called the gambling counsellor too, they thought me being stubborn deeply I can sense. They suggested me at the end that I should encourage him to do something to change or prepare for the change. A stunning figure they told me was that only 50% of gamblers would succeed in statistics to abstain gambling but this is a life battle. This figure doesn't look too slim the chance.

I am prepared psychologically that I have to face the hurdle between us but mainly I believe if he changes his living environment, he would be able to change his life. Honestly, I started to feel that this is a hope like his hope on gambling according to the circumstantial facts insofar.

I am always passive in our relationship, so what I can do is to wait for him to reply. It's not easy but I have lost my rationality. This is the only thing I am capable to do. Otherwise, I would have broken up with him. At this point, I can really feel I hav lost myself completely for him. But I understand very well this love has an expiry date. We are both exploring when the day will come.

Also, there are things I don't have the occasion to ask. He is not ready to get married with me, why? For me loving him, I have to give up my friends and everything, but what will he do for loving me? What do you expect the life to be when you come to HK in reality?

Perhaps, we should break up....even at this point, I am willing to lose myself for him.

Love, Jen

Where is the end?

2009-04-29T17:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

Once again, we argued last night. I thought I could forget him as usual but my heart is already unsettling.

I just want to know what happen to him because I can't control him gambling or flirting around. I tried to put it down mainly because I believe in Italy, he will be refrained.

Do I really care? I do but I don't want to be controlled by him for a simple message with a friend. He said that it's too late for me to do anything. Perhaps, it's the end for everything. Obviously, he won't do his passport today and he is still away from home.

Please let go and don't call.

Love, Jen

Fear

2009-04-29T02:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I found that not in any way I can take him off my head. The way I missed him is maniacal, even myself was scared. Now, I start the intellection about us again.

I have calculated roughly that it won't be a problem for him to come over without job in the first couple of months, so it sounds that I'm ready for him to come.

Now, the problem will be his ticket. The cheapest will cost £320, so how am I going to purchase it? With my friends or my parents? How will they react if he comes with my money? How should I tell them?

He is going out with his friends, will he gamble? Look, before he comes I have to worry about him already. What if he loses all his....

Things change in a second. He was mad with my message with a friend. He said he was going to bet on Arsenal £230 and tried sex with Elisa. I didn't know what to do anymore because he sounds crazy. Perhaps, this time if he gets mad is a good occasion for us to break up. Just for a message, he could be mad like this, how can he live with me in the future in HK? Am I risking my life every day in fact?

You thought that you can stay together happily but in fact it's impossible for how he is. He thought that I would pay everything for him to get to HK even if he gambled.

I was scolded with dirty word, so should I go on to take all of these?

Love, Jen

Selfish

2009-04-28T21:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I am so selfish because I am scared of being with him but I didn't want him to be with anyone. This is obession, isn't it. He said that he is going to do this document tomorrow, I guess it's passport but he mumbled on it.

Perhaps, he is scared too. He is scared if he is ready to get married with me in Hong Kong. He is scared of what if I lied to him again. I'm scared too because we are getting married which means we have to face a lot of changes and difficulties in life together. Can we overcome them? Are we strong enough to achieve that?

I can't keep my pounding heart quiet for a single moment. I don't know but I'm so scared of the circumstantial change. I believe he shared the same panick and anxiety with me. Can anyone give me power to overcome this??

Love, Jen

Sleepless night

2009-04-28T12:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

This is 3:30 in the morning, I couldn't sleep.

I sent him an audio clip which asked him not to call if he wants other girls in his life other than me. He hasn't hear yet but I saw him disappearing from skype.

My heart is very painful but I really hope that I can stop the relation with him because he only gives me pain and more pain. More importantly, we are obessed of each other, perhaps he is not anymore but I become the obessed one, I'm so scared because I couldn't do anything during the day, so I need to give up him in order to get back my life.

With the message to Elisa, I felt so much noise in my mind which really drives me mad almost. I felt cheated once again. I can't get hurt for another time. They are shameless. I really want to post their seducing lines on xanga, let them die immediately. I shouldn't delete the one with Zara. Now, I understand why people said he is mad.

I don't know if I hate him or what, I have a feeling I can describe with words, sour, aching and pounding. Please let go, until now, why are you so stupid to get burnt? He is just a mad guy full of problems, you must deattached from him.

Jenny, listen to yourself, your need and care for your happiness which he couldn't give you. Even if all men die, he still can't give you the fortune you're seeking for.

Love, Jen

I lost

2009-04-27T19:27:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

I called him and I caught him flirting with Elisa, his ex. I was mad at the end knowing that he had a deal with her.

I was crying to pour out my sorrow from the interrogation. I thought we rebuild something but when he asked me if I wanted to stay with him, for the first time, I hesitated. I think something has changed really.

I believe from now on, I have only obession because I need time to withdraw myself from him. God, please help me to forget him.

Love, Jen

I'm scared

2009-04-27T16:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I logged in his account and I saw something strange. He was talking to his friend in which he expressed his intent to come, I was shocked.

I don't know what happened since we broke up already I supposed but still he is talking to his friend like he is coming, why? I am quite sure that the chatting was today but I'm confused. I want to ask him but I can't since this is none of my business. I believe I should refrain myself to contact anyone and I am scared.

Can anyone show me some direction please.

Love, Jen

Obession

2009-04-27T05:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I thought our story was finished but deeply in my heart, I was hoping him to call again.

I'm obessed of him in fact. I am waiting for him to reply my email and hoping him to receive my letter where I don't know how he would react. I was hoping him to call me again and we get together but the cycle of our fight will never end.

I'm so scared. I don't want noise anymore in our relation, so it's wrong for me to hope for him calling again. Am I getting sick in this relationship? Yes, I think so. It sounds like he is the right one, because I am the liar, I am the one who didn't care and I am the obessed one.

Other than his addictions, he is a perfect man with no pyschological problem unlike me. I can't accept this honestly because for so long, I thought he had problem but it turns out to be me. I am reading the book of the road less travelled because I want to understand better our love.

I am a liar to cover up my past because I couldn't accept myself once went around being cheated or being promiscious? Deeply, am I obessed of sex? I am with my love but I can do without it for long time too. Since I left london, I haven't had sex but I doubt for this 2 months if he has sex with anyone?

Listen, my dear, it doesn't matter to you no more what he will be doing because you are not together anymore, ok? Is that clear? Finito.

I know I have to talk again tomorrow until something materialise.

Love, Jen

Lucky

2009-04-26T18:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

At last, I believe that we finished our story. It's quite difficult but I can rebuild my life again.

He was calm and telling me that he couldn't trust me anymore. I feel sad inside but relieved deeply because I understand that we would have no future. Interestingly, we still love each other for the reason that we tried to distract ourselves to the topic of Zara.

We were hoping to raise a bit of jealousy in order to prove that we still want each other. It's really strange but I don't want to get involved in this relation anymore no matter if I would have a husband in the future.

I can feel this time is finale. Then, I can openly to talk to my friends. From now on, I will accept that his story with Zara.

Love, Jen

Weird feeling

2009-04-26T03:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I just called him home but he wasn't home, instead Maria picked up the phone.
He won't be back until 1300, I don't know why I felt something weird and sour in my heart.

He called back and we talked. Honestly, it's not a talk between us. He laid out the rule that I couldn't come home later than 2000 every day, I feel like a prisoner.

I asked him if he wants to be with me and he replied positively, the only thing is he doesn't trust me anymore. So, I couldn't help to ask what is the point to stay with a person who lost herself.

I am contemplating as well the reason to stay with him becausae it seems like an open option for me to stay with him or not if I couldn't stand with his trynany. I am ambivant but I sent him letter which states that I was regret that we couldn't stay together... so I don't know how he would feel once he received the letter.

For me, it's confusing for the reason he wants to stay with me for his suspicion. Is there any conspiracy? He doesn't like me complaining or asking questions because he thinks that he has been the honest one. I don't know and I want to talk to someone.

What is love? To us, I found it strange. What are we doing? He said I could finish everything right now if I feel it unfair or unbearable. I did want to say Yes, then we finish now, but I couldn't give the word out of my mouth. Neither do I want to drive him crazy in front of his family.

Think dear, do you really want to be with him.

Love, Jen

It's heavy

2009-04-25T15:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

After the 10 commandments, he didn't call. He was around all the times. I couldn't speculate where he would be otherwise I could drive my crazy.

Comparing to previous times, I am much better this time as to my feeling towards his response. I didn't feel too attached to him like before, I can deal with the fact that he might not call again or he might be with someone doing something unfaithful to me.

Somehow, I feel more comfortable for whatever he does when he is in Italy, perhaps, I know that he didn't do that for revenge, he did that for his real feelings. I hate man using revenge as excuse for their cheating, it's very degrading to themselves and me as the party.

I wanted to call him at home but it was too late in Italy and it was Saturday night where he must have something to do, so I didn't want to disturb his mum. The only concern for myself is if he calls after 9, I would have left for work, so he must make a fuss out of it again. I really don't like arguing like this, neither do I want to be controlled or monitored in distance.

Love is will of act which is not dependency or obession, monitoring me is a projection of his fear to be cheated, it's his lack of confidence. He couldn't understand that a woman sacrificing herself for a year to him means the chance in fact doesn't exist for her to cheat. Perhaps, he is right, this is just a case, usually woman will cheat in the sense of seeking others' attention.

I know very well that I am not ugly and there is a forest awaiting me out there. It's actually me giving him chance to change himself for me to a new life. He thought that I am begging him for love but with all respect to our love, the only thing I want in our relation is to respect one and other. Respect and care is the only mean to propagate our love, otherwise it will only be a series of chemical reaction which couldn't last.

It is so difficult to let him go. He is an ordinary bad boy which is attracted to my contrasting life. Or simply, I am too inexperienced, I didn't explore the good choice in front of me.

Since the first time we argue, we have developed an attachment or addiction to this kind of fight-and-hug relation. Are we trying to prove to another that we are more important to one and other than the other party? It seems sick but this has been the way to manifest our love. At last for him, it seems like this.

One more thing is that whenever he feels like, he would call, otherwise he would just go for fun by himself. So, where am I? I'm obviously not a source of happiness for him. Or I am not his desire.

Love is give-and-take and a will of action, so which aims at propagating one's spiritual development. In our relation, he taught me a lot, I've grown a lot but did I assist him in such way, I doubt that. Maybe I have tried but I failed. Does that mean he loves me but my love is a disguise of social sado-madochism? At the end, in fact, it's me who didn't love him completely even if I had sarcificed 'so much'. I have been satisfying my own desire to be loved. I am confused.

Genuinely, I think he loves me but at this point, it seems that I am the one who doesn't know how to love him. But I tend to put love as a matter of feeling in this conclusion. It was not love between us. It's dependency only. I was seeking to be loved eventually where he didn't commit to our love with actions. It just coincidentially, I happen to be a 'giver' and he happens to be a 'taker', then we thought we need each other.

Love should not be pain, it should be an aid to personal growth.

Love, Jen

10 Commandments

2009-04-24T16:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I called him blissful while he called angrily with 10 commandments.

Basically, I can't lie about anything and not even meeting up with people. Lying is not right but how can I cut all my connection with people, it 's sick. However, I went on and say Yes to him but mainly I mean I won't lie no more. The outrageous part is he said whenever he doesn't feel like I would hear him no more.

This relationship has never been fair and I am losing the interest to stay with him any longer. He is not home at midnight and his mum told me to call tomorrow, so where would he be? In his friend's house or how could he come back without transportation? I couldn't meet my colleague even but he could still fuck around.

If this time, he tell me he had done something wrong, I would just leave forever.

Suddenly, I recalled Ming's comment. He said, for so long, this seems to be your way of getting along, suspecting, arguing and reuniting. Is this love? Love should be caring but preserving of individuality, where he demands me to render my freedom to friends and work. He just wants to control me but free from my constraints.

Perhaps, we have started wrongly in the beginning. Now, it's too late to change anything.

Love, Jen

Endless suspicion

2009-04-23T19:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

He called when he arrived Italy, I thought he would sleep tight. However, he called again at nearly 3 in the morning questioning me if I brought anyone home when my parents were away.

I couldn't take this off my mind and my heart is pumping. I don't understand why he would be so jealous and obessive of what happening around me. He didn't know he has to open his mind to give other space to leave and breathe.

I can't breathe really because I am afraid of him invading my life. It's hysterical to live with a mab like this where I have no freedom. If he calls again tonight, we have to talk. I want to sort it out once and for all or at least with little sustainable progress.

Love, Jen

Let go

2009-04-23T05:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

He gambled again but won £400. He sounded delighted and he would skip the plane to Italy but go to Paris. I didn't feel too much this time, maybe at last I realised this is his way of life which I could play no part.

With £400, he wanted to travel around, he sounded naive. It is not a big sum at all which wouldn't even be enough to get 2 tickets and stay for a week. After that, what is he going to do? It's really hard to say. At this point, no one can say anything to dissuade him unless he wakes up.

It was quite horrible to hear that he is living in a fantasy. He couldn't even delay any gratification. What kind of life he would enjoy?

I feel stupid to give up the meeting with Ms. Wong for him since he didn't know what he is doing himself. Going to Paris, I hope him wake up but I know at the end, he would just come back & cry to David maybe or me for help. I hope it wouldn't happen too soon.

Now, I'm more free from him and I am trying to start my new life.

Breaking up is a process. And I'm heading to the end of it? I don't mind anymore if he would flirt with someone else. Wish him good luck.

Love, Jen

Honesty

2009-04-22T15:13:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

When you know that he is lying to his friend about the money, what will you do? You will help him in order to let him safe home or you will let him stay on the road for another weeks? I couldn't reach him by mobile, perhaps it's on charge. The only thing I hope is that he would get his plane and go back to Italy.

I thought he could change but for his lie, don't I wake up a bit? Why do I think that he wouldn't lie to me but only to his friends?

I'm not sure if I should welcome him to HK anymore. Maybe, he doesn't want to come neither. For so long, I didn't want to let go is because he is my world. Now, I saw another world without him. However, I still have a fanstasy to stay with him. Deeply, I believe my heart is hoping him to change for me. Or simply I am hoping someone who loves me enough to transform themselves like a movie. Most probably, I got movie posioning.

I'm reading the road less travelled. It is a very enriching materials which helps me to look clearer into the situation I have been into. Also, I made acquaintance to a clinical psychologist which shows me an alternative.

In the past, I supressed my high hope to avoid disappointment. As experiences accumulated, I reason my hig hope by understanding to a practical level.

Change for what we can change and gain the power and serenity to appreciate what can't be change.

Love, Jen

Tarot

2009-04-21T22:39:00.000-07:00

Will we enjoy a happy life together in HK?

The Celtic Cross spread is one of the most popular Tarot spreads, providing varied insight into many aspects of a complex situation and your role in it. The Colman Smith Tarot is a modern reinvention of the classic Rider Waite deck, infusing the original line drawings by Pamela Colman Smith with colors drawn from the psychedelic digital age.

The card not shown but at the center of the cross, represents the atmosphere surrounding the central issue. Nine of Pentacles (Gain): Good luck attending material affairs. Attaining refinement and embracing elegance. Discipline and nobility applied to the maintenance of security and stability. The wise use of resources and foresight. The fulfillment that comes with accomplishment, and the turning of attention to higher things.

The card visible at the center of the cross represents the obstacle that stands in your way - it may even be something that sounds good but is not actually to your benefit. Strength: Raw power. Health and physical fortitude. A surge of tremendous force. Recovery from sickness. Victory after apprehension and fear. The ability to face and overcome opposition brings the inner qualities of strength and forbearance. Delays and setbacks will be overcome.

The card at the top of the cross represents your goal, or the best you can achieve without a dramatic change of priorities. Knight of Cups: The essence of water behaving as fire, such as a rushing river: A passionate romantic, full of charm and beauty, but prone to extremes. Forceful idealism blended with gentle kindness. An eager and intense person, forward with their emotions and tender in their support of others.

The card at the bottom of the cross represents the foundation on which the situation is based. Ace of Wands: The seed of a new venture - perhaps as yet unseen. An opportunity to be met with boldness, vigor, and enthusiasm. The herald of birth, invention, or entrepreneurship. An innate and primal force released. May suggest a surge of vitality, creativity, or fertility that can set things in motion.

The card at the left of the cross represents a passing influence or something to be released. Five of Swords (Defeat), when reversed: Refusing to achieve success through personal degradation. Friendship maintained through the abandonment of a dishonorable gain. Slander and infamy avoided.

The card at the right of the cross represents an approaching influence or something to be embraced. Three of Cups (Abundance): A time of merriment and reflection spent in the company of friends and loved ones. The conclusion of a matter in plenty and perfection. The strength of a diverse community being brought together. May suggest a celebration, festival, anniversary, wedding, baby shower, or other joyous gathering.

The card at the base of the staff represents your role or attitude. Five of Pentacles (Worry), when reversed: Concern over finance leads to prudent action. Impending physical threat is met with calm and skill. Suffering and loneliness leads to spiritual growth. Stress is met without resorting to excess or the pursuit of oblivion.

The card second from the bottom of the staff represents your environment and the people you are interacting with. Queen of Pentacles, when reversed: The dark essence of earth behaving as water, such as ice: A cold but generous host, driven by an overwhelming need for to accumulate and maintain opulence. A person so preoccupied with wealth and security that they can never stop to enjoy either. One who reflects the weaknesses of others, breeding suspicion and mistrust.

The card second from the top of the staff represents your hopes, fears, or an unexpected element that will come into play. King of Cups: The essence of water behaving as air, such as a billowing cloud in the blue sky: Great maturity, endless patience, tolerance of other points of view, and a deep knowledge of human nature. One who intuitively knows the strengths of those around him, and gently cultivates them. Remaining calm and relaxed in all situations, and making artful use of diplomacy or a quiet word to resolve conflicts. The ability to listen to what another person is saying, and truly understand what is in their heart. A rewarding partner and a beloved leader.

The card at the top of the staff represents the ultimate outcome should you continue on this course. Queen of Cups: The essence of water, such as a deep and placid lake: Spirituality, maturity, and grace. A natural counselor and healer, One whose relaxed presence seems to embody deep love and spirituality. A tranquil poet who reflects the nature of the observer. The embrace of all things dreamlike and receptive, such as perfect and unconditional love.

A change?

2009-04-21T18:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I called him as we talked at last seriously.
I know he loves me but he is not ready to have a relationship with me again.
I invited him to HK for business provided that he can start afresh with me.
I hope this is not the wrong time to ask.
May God bless him to take the plane on Thur.

Love, Jen

Reconcilation

2009-04-21T15:42:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

Surprisely, he skyped me yesterday. He was safe in a hostel at last. I'm happy for him.
He sounded calm but he started to check on me. I thought we broke up already, so why did he still intervene my way of life? I thought I delivered a clear message to him.

Although I love him, I can't see possible future for us.
Midnight, I will call him as he requested but I never know if he has changed his mind until I hear his voice.

I'm pondering as to what to say in order not to irritate him and being constructive. Should I tell him about the business and forward him the pictures of items? Should I ask him about his plan in Italy? Should I tell him I dreamt about him last night? Should I tell him I sent Martina a letter to invite her as my penpal? Should I tell him that I deleted the post on xanga?

I'm not sure what to say really, should I call? Yes, I should because I promised.
Will we ever reconcilate?

Love, Jen

A new life

2009-04-20T07:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

These days seem particular long for me. I have to learn to live alone again after a year staying with Peppe.

Surprisingly, it was Zara help me getting out of the grip. She told me love is not sacrifice but give-and-take. It is a word I haven't heard for so long but it was once my motto of love. I lost myself completely during the stay with Peppe, what kind of man he is? He dominates me without letting me aware. I think I thought I found a true love so I sacrificed myself but girls, never sacrifice yourself.

I want to send away everything to him and free from all the memory. I didn't mind if those letters would hurt him or irriate him, I just want to send them off. I want a new life as well. Can I this time?

For so many times I gave him chance to start a new life, he threw them away by criticising me and blaming me for doing the fault. Perhaps, the counsellor was right that since he was not determined to change so he wouldn't work hard for his own life. He knows only to complain about life.

But for a bit, I believed that he went gambling for my lie because he was mad in his mind. I don't know that since he said he had never slept on the road. Nevermind, I have to forget everything for a new life.

Love, Jen

Finito

2009-04-19T17:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I saw Zara's email again on his inbox, it must be either he called or he emailed with another name. I deleted it again because I am jealous. I didn't want them to stay together because I love him. I gave everything to him but he did this to me.

I just want to talk to him and persuade him to come to me.

I just sent Zara an email telling her some important info. I didn't understand what my intention. It was calm and informative, without clear intention to destroy their relationship but to place a great burden on her before she wants to start this relation.

In my heart, I know very well it is not easy to commit into a heavy relationship. If she still goes on and loves him, means she really is a good girl and I wish she will help him to change his life.

I am hoping on the other hand, he would see how much I love him for what I could give if she refused or got scared by his problem.

Anyway, I feel more relieved after writing to her. The angry impulsion didn't last for long since I saw her email.

Love, Jen

Gambling Counsellor

2009-04-18T15:17:00.001-07:00

I went to the gambling counsellor yesterday. I told the whole story honestly where I sought to find out if there would be any future for us to stay as to his possibility to change.

He told me to bear in mind that if I chose to be with him means I have to bear with the consquences as well including the struggle to recovery and replase. This was not a message I want to receive.

He clarified that he was not dissuding me to be with him but I have to brace the possibility. There were different stories in his career with gamblers, some stayed united while others separated.

I told him about my lie to Him. He asked me to ask myself before my lie, was he gambling as well? If the answer was positive, I might not have to take all the blame. This is CBT which to help understand oneself.

Always, I thought it was my fault to lie and made him sleeping on the road. After the counselling, I believed that he should take up the responsibility. I thought coming to HK would help him change. After the counselling, I believed if I help him to come to HK just to change the environment which might at the end slower down his recovery because he might replase.

I told Him about my counselling but he was furious at me talking about his gambling problem instead of focusing on my lie. I didn't mind to tell the counsellor I had lied about my past and he had cheated on me with a sweet email to others. He explained to me everyone has a history and foreigner might have a different culture in perceiving the matter where confession would be the most important. However, this should not be his excuse to gamble.

He could never change if he stayed with me because my lie will be used by him to gamble.

He just told me to leave him alone in my call. So, the important matter is to let go now, leave him alone and free myself from him.

I wrote his sister a letter, but I have to ask myself what my intention to such? Am I proving myself to them as a good person or really want to help him? By telling his family everything, what do I expect to achieve? Perhaps I want some supports from his family because he has been attacking me for driving him to this deploration. However, from the counsellor, I would think that I am the victim instead because I felt so guilty for so long for his gambling. I just want to relieve from the guilt. At the end, my intention might be selfish but it would be the best for us.

I wish him improve his life eventually.

Replase

2009-04-17T05:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

He wrote to me first: jenny, I'm sorry but don't think that I don't love you.'
then: 'explaining that his behavoiur was for my lie.'

What do you think of his intent to me? I'm confused because everytime thing was happening near to his need to money. Honestly, I don't believe that his intent with me was for money but no one can gurantee that he wouldn't look for another girl.

I rather him not calling me or just let me die in silence. Now, he stirred me up again. I'm confused. I love him so much where he could dominate me whenever he feels like.

He mentioned about the lie every time he was in desperation. I don't want to engage in this relation anymore if he couldn't forgive me. I don't know if one day he would truly forget the lie or he is just using it as an excuse. He said he desires to do whatever he wants without being checked, if so, I don't think he should come to HK since living in 2 is a commitment to compromise with each other. Doing whatever one wants doesn't exist.

Tomorrow, I'm going to the gambling counsellor. I hope I could relieve myself from this burden. I really hope for the best for us together or individually.

Love, Jen

Start to understand

2009-04-16T04:55:00.000-07:00

Surprisely, I didn't take the turn
At the crueliest moment, silently witnessing your leave, it isn't like me at all.

Man can become gentle, it's because understood at last,
love is dymanic, uncontrolable, why demanding reason for it

I believe you are afraid to hurt me, not to cheat me.
who can let go if really in love

you woke me up from my dream, annoucing the fortune is not coming,
using my sour smile to forgive you, to go through

it's still good to have yesterday, but tomorrow is mine only
start to understand, happiness should be the choice

Hang on

2009-04-16T04:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I feel so weak suddenly, I am so scared that to call him again because I don't want to stay with him anymore but I am thinking of him. I am reading his words from skype to see how fake he has been. He is just a bastard because he said he loved me while he was sending email to Zara. I think this time he wants to joke on me since I destroyed his chance with his Zara.

I think the fastest way to forget him is to occupy myself. I have to do things as much as possible to prevent myself staying home waiting for him to get online. I am weak but this time I have to hang on. Don't lose this battle, he is a beast, who doesn't deserve you at all. He wants only money and ticket from me. On Saturday, I will send his sister an email to explain everything. I don't want any U-turn for this time.

Free yourself from him, it just needs a little bit more time. You have to understand he would be a burden and parasite to your future. He wouldn't change if he would be with you. He would use you for his pleasure only.

Love, Jen

fakness

2009-04-15T15:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I sent him so many emails and text to revenge but I don't want it no more because I will give him up.

He sent an apology email to Zara to tell her that he likes her and sorry for my behaviour, more importantly, he declared that I was his ex-girlfriend since last month. What a liar! or perhaps, it's true because he lured me into buying him ticket only for last month, so he called me babe and said 'I love you...'

Once again, in his email he said, 'I love you, it's true.' What a courage to say so?! Because of ticket, money, and life in HK, poor guy, he had to lie to me again.

Love, Jen

2009-04-14T17:14:00.000-07:00

heartbreaking

2009-04-14T16:31:00.001-07:00

Dear Diary,

At last, I know why he turned off his mobile because he was flirting with another girl. I know why he felt upset when he heard that I talked to his sister about him flying back to italy and intention to HK because he had to go through the trouble to explain it will happen no more.

This is the first time I felt the pain of love. It's tremdenous especially when you saw the email written by him to another girl so sweetly. 'babe, when I first saw you, I wanted to take you and I did it, give me more power not only via email, I can't wait to see u again.' It was like you caught them in bed.

When he confessed, you thought he was feeling guilty, instead he said boldly: 'soon or later, it's going to happen, it's full of temptations in london.' What courage to say that! What a shame to have spent a year with him!

Sometimes, I feel silly the people commit suicide for loss of love, but in fact the pain can't be healed unless death. When you are cheated, the anger inside grows exponetially and eventually you will lose self-control.

What a shame to have a boyfriend like this.

Love yourself, Jen

veiled hysteria

2009-04-13T23:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

I woke up at 5 this morning and my first thought was him. I turned on the computer, checked the skype, checked my mail, but nothing I could find. My heart was filled with all silly possibities and I picked up the phone and dialled. As the phone was connecting, my heartbeat was racing, until it rang where I breathed a sign of relief.

He answered and I couldn't contain my worry and question anymore. My concerned voice worried him and he promised to find some credit to go online in 2 hours.

Hours passed, he didn't call, didn't email. Silly thoughts and worries grew out from my heart, stirring up negative sentiment again. Now, his reaction to my call is running in my mind and i am smelling for suspicous trace.

He didn't like I had talked to his sister, he didn't explain his switching off of his mobile, he didn't want to talk with me for longer minutes, and he didn't comfort me with his answer. Am I too sensitive or something is wrong? I couldn't just let go my doubt and work on my schedule.

I spent too many hours to consider if I should talk about it or not, how can I free myself from him. No matter I am physically with him or distance away, I will be always dominated by him. For his call, I would fly across the ocean. For him not calling, my mind would fly out of my body. How can I stop?

Jen

Diary--13th April 2009

2009-04-13T01:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,

It's the second day I didn't hear from Him, not message, not call, not email I could reach Him, I don't know what had happened? Other than immensed myself in worry, I tried to distract myself.

I went to Gambler Caritas website and downloaded some videos.

I recalled that I sent Him a depressing email after I first saw the video because I was frightened. I tend to forget the pain with Him, so the fear was fading until I saw another 3 videos.

Today, the fear comes back to me.

The most frightening one was the last one. The gambler always desires to make a big fortune from gambling. He never doubts about his analysis on the games. He continues to believe he would win back the lost. Therefore, he justified his disguise in front of his family, parents and siblings until he could contain no more the fact. This story resembled the experiences I had with Him. Every time, he would make excuse to go out for luck without telling me the truth. When he lost, he would persuade me that he just wanted to get back what he had lost. For a year, I was living in the cycle of hope and despair. It was worse than a hell.

Just a couple of days before, I committed myself to spend my life with Him and invited Him to come to HK. As soon as I had committed, I started to scare of our future to be shadowed by the problem. My faith is shaken after a year staying with Him. I didn't know I'm stubborn or it's the manifest to real love. So, although I am worried about not hearing from Him, I feel relieved on the other hand to have a short break to mental reflection.

It wasn't easy for me to let go this relation at all because after all we had gone through, our story was just extraordinary. For me, our story taught me the essence of life, the value of love, the meaning of honesty and the importance to love myself. So, how can I just let go a teacher for life?

Love, Jen

Prologue--Important date

2009-04-12T05:05:00.000-07:00

I have a story to tell, so I created this blog to share.

This story is dedicated to my boyfriend as a manifest to our love.
I started my narration on 14th March 2009.

Today is 14th March. It's nearly 2 weeks I came back from London. Meanwhile, Peppe wants to break up with me. This is the main reason I write this book to record all our memories.

1st March, we left for London, I took the flight the next day from Heathrow airport to HK after departing from Milan. I left for HK with his promise of 50 days. In the rush, I rushed to the ending of our story too.

2 weeks before, I was in London and Milan, I stayed there for 3 weeks altogether to see my boyfriend.

2nd Feb, against the will of everyone, my parents crying and my friends protesting, I took off from HK to London. it was not an easy decision, I left my job, that was just a stint for me to fill the gap between my return to London in March, I was hesitating so much before I changed my flight, which means I came back to unsecure life again.

26th Jan was the Chinese new year, people took the first month of the year quite seriously, and family member tends to stay together, the day I left was just a few day after. In the first couple of days of the year, I let my parents worry, so I am selfish in everyone's eye.

12th Feb, we left to Paris from London. 14th Feb, St. Valentino, we fought again and arrived Milan.

15th Feb, we arrived in Albizzate with fights until the last minute below his building and I met his mum, the most respectable woman ever. That was not the first time, but it was at home.

Million things happened in the last 2 months, there was no one breathe we could take.